Who Raped Whom?

It’s every guy’s worst nightmare. You hit it off with a girl at a party. Maybe you’ve both been drinking, maybe not. You end up in bed together and you’re thinking it was a really great night, or maybe more.

But the next day the police show up at your door and arrest you for rape. This is where things get really interesting.

Because of rape shield laws, the accuser’s identity is protected but yours, the accused, can be plastered absolutely everywhere. That’s really bad news for any guy in this position, but if you’re famous, or the case has captured the attention of the media, you will be tried, convicted, and vilified on a national stage.

Was this guy guilty? Does this seem fair?

Your life will be turned upside down while the “victim” remains anonymous. She gets to throw stones from behind a curtain, her identity completely shielded.

While looking around for images and statistics for this post, I found this:

 . . . and this chilling quote that is yet another sign of the times: "Anytime anyone Googles my name, rape is going to be right there beside it. My name is forever tarnished. What if I am applying for a job or whatever in the future?”

This guy got off because he filmed the entire incident. Say what you will about what kind of guy videotapes his conquests, but the only reason he's free and his name is cleared is that he was able to provide proof of his innocence.

I understand the point of the rape shield laws, and they mean well. But rape often comes down to flimsy evidence and testimony from a woman wracked with pain--or is it remorse? Shame? Anger? Embarrassment?

Let me be clear about two things here: First, I’m not saying or even implying that we should reveal the identities of rape victims--it’s already hard enough to get them to report rape, let alone stand up to their attackers. Second, I’m sure that in most cases, cries of rape are real. Men will never understand the emotional devastation of an attack like this and there should be severe penalties for anyone rightfully convicted of it.

But no one should ever have to go through what Dominique Strauss-Kahn or those young Lacrosse players at Duke (and, I’m sure countless others) went through based solely on the statements of two women who turned out to be lying. The people in this country were  ready to kill the men involved in both cases and in both cases all involved were almost certainly innocent.

So what am I saying? I’m saying that the identities of the men should remain hidden until after conviction. I get why the identities of the women are protected, but why are the men hung out to dry? Why is that okay? Innocent till proven guilty, right? Right?

The End is Near? Again?

The evidence that weather patterns are changing is overwhelming, as is the evidence that it’s being caused by humans. Or so I’m told. Honestly, I haven’t seen much of this, and I’m hardly in a position to refute or validate the data from which these conclusions are made. If I had a climatologist sit me down and show me the evidence, and I actually understood it, I would still have to trust his interpretations and conclusions.
 

So I kind of understand people who don’t believe Climate Change is real and reversible. I mean, we’re asking them to make some pretty significant changes in their lives based on dire predictions from people they have absolutely nothing in common with. I’ll admit that I’m a little skeptical when people I perceive as tree-huggers go off on the plight of the horny-rimmed frog-beetle. Or something.

But it was this article about “mass extinctions” of ocean life that reminded me of all the times I’d heard the sirens cranked up to full-blast.

·         I remember when I was a kid, many years ago, reading articles about the Killer Bees and how they were going to kill us all. It scared the crap out of me, of course, and that was the point.

·         Then there was the gas shortage. We only had six months of oil left and then society was going to crumble!!!!!

·         Then there was inflation. I remember a teacher telling my class that if inflation kept going the way it was we were all going to have to make $1 million a year just to survive.

·         Then there was Y2K. Apparently we were all just one decimal point away from being hunter-gatherers.

There have been a million of these dire predictions over the years--some true but averted and some just flat-out trumped up. But it occurred to me just today that they have a lot in common with the long line of false prophets who have predicted the arrival of Judgment Day.

In both cases they get tons of attention by scaring the crap out of a lot of people, they put the media into a feeding frenzy, and then, when their predictions are revealed to be untrue, they’re mocked. But that’s not the worst of it.

The worst part of this cycle is that with each false prediction, a little bit of faith is lost. What’s the saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a thousand times, shame on me?

I’m absolutely not saying that Climate Change isn’t real--I’m confident it is. But I am saying that it sounds really, really familiar.

Phil Donahue vs. the Tooth Fairy

If you ask noted atheist Richard Dawkins, I am a “Tooth Fairy Agnostic,” which is a name he ascribes to people who allow for the possibility that there is a God, much as many people allow for the possibility that the Tooth Fairy (or the Easter Bunny, or Santa Clause) is real because you can’t prove a negative.

 But there’s a problem with that, and it points to the reason I have such a hard time embracing a label as absolute and final as atheist.

I know there’s no Tooth Fairy because there’s no mystery that her existence would solve. I know who put money under my pillow when I lost a tooth, and that’s that. There are no other unexplained phenomena that require any additional explanation.

But the same can’t be said about the existence of God. Or a god. Or something. There are simply too many things that can’t be explained using the intellectual tools we have at our disposal.

I’ve heard several stories about people dying, and then coming back with knowledge no one lying on that bed could possibly have. I’m not talking about bright lights and starry encounters with long-lost relatives powered by a lifetime of loaded expectations and wishful thinking, I’m talking about knowing what happened somewhere else at the same time that person was dying.

And as much as I scoff at Creationists, there sure seem to be a lot of things in nature that just can’t be explained by Evolution. Not every strange attribute found in the mind-boggling diversity of life on Earth points back to survival and propagation of the species.

For these reasons and many more, I can’t discount the notion of something, some power, being involved, on some level, with life here. Further, I think only a fool would say that nothing like that could possibly exist. Expressing certainty about the impossibility of “God” seems as silly to me as expressing certainty and detailed knowledge about His existence.

I’m not a Tooth Fairy Agnostic, I’m a Phil Donahue Agnostic, who I first heard say, “I don’t know and you don’t either.” That simple statement hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it back in the ‘80s, and I’ve been chewing on it ever since. Here’s what it means to me today.

All I really know for sure is that no one knows if there is a God. I see religions as attempts to understand the unknowable, and I’m confident that their followers are waaaaay off base[1]. Christianity, for instance, is based entirely on millennia-old writings from people who had such a limited understanding of the world that everything they couldn’t comprehend--which was a lot--just ended up on the God pile. You miraculously survived that illness? God is great! You’re wife died? Hey, it’s God’s will. Even today, stories about one person surviving a disaster that killed thousands is held up as proof of God’s love and mercy. What?

But those are all decisions made by us flawed, stupid humans, and our minds abhor a vacuum. I get it, leaving an open space for the unexplained sucks and it’s wholly unsatisfying. But I think that leaving that space open and not allowing it to get cluttered with the implausible and unknowable takes a certain kind of discipline. But that, I think, is the definition of agnosticism.

-Doug

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[1] There are degrees here, of course. The more closely and literally you adhere to these ancient teachings about magical beings, the further you’ve travelled down the wrong road. IMHO.

"He Died Doing What He Loved"

John Denver died while flying a plane--something he loved doing. A film maker and a photographer recently died in Libya. Jim Fixx, famous author and fitness junkie, died of a heart attack shortly after jogging. John F. Kennedy Jr. crashed his plane into the ocean some years back, and took his wife and a couple other people with him.

I find it interesting that after the initial shock of losing someone they kind of knew, most people will say their version of, “At least he died doing what he loved.” As if that makes death somehow better. Some ways are better to go than others, I grant you, but dead is dead, and I’m sure that Mrs. Fixx wasn’t very comforted by the method of her husband’s demise.

But if it is true that it’s better to die as a result of doing what you love, why is it noble to die racing a car and so pathetic to die as a result of a life spent overeating and lounging about? I’m half-serious about this, so I’ll make an argument, using names to represent each side.

Steve: Dying while doing something you love is one thing: you’re doing something. Whether you love to hike or run or fly kites, at least you’re actively pursuing something you enjoy. Yes, you could get hurt and accidents happen, but doing nothing with your life is just sad. Stuffing your face while you wait for the sweet release of death is sad.

Bob: Some people love to run, some love to walk, some like to read books, some really enjoy eating. They’re all fulfilling in their own way, and they all bring genuine joy. What’s the difference? Yes, a sedentary lifestyle is hazardous, as is mountain-climbing, but no one mocks those people.

Steve: That’s because mountain-climbing is active, it’s invigorating. Sitting on yer ass while it spreads is the white flag of surrender. You’ve clearly given up.

Bob: What about my weight offends you so much? Why is it considered so awful to enjoy food, to take comfort in it? I’m not hurting anyone but myself.

Steve: If you have no respect for your wellbeing and make such lousy choices, why on earth would I respect you? And for your information, you are hurting me. Every time I'm forced to sit by someone like you on an airplane or pay an inflated insurance premium, I blame you and your kind. You act like enjoying food and being fat are inextricably tied, as though it wasn’t possible to love the act of eating without doing it to excess, and to the exclusion of physical activity. You don’t see a problem with that?

Bob: It wasn’t my choice to not enjoy hiking, I just don’t. Some people get an endorphin high from things like that, and some don’t. I don’t. You know what gives me that high? Chocolate. We all do what we enjoy, for better or worse, but society has decided for all of us which of those things are acceptable and which ones should be derided. You would love nothing more than for me to feel shame and to hate who I am, but it’s not going to work.

And as for your insurance premiums, you don’t think people who get hurt biking are skewing the rates? Sports nuts with bad knees? Why don’t you go after them?

Steve: You can act as indignant as you want, but at the end of the day, the things you say you enjoy will be the death of you. And in that way they’re no different from drugs or alcohol. Is abusing those okay too? Are those noble addictions?

Bob: No, and I agree that I have an addiction, but at the end of a long day you have no idea what it’s like to want nothing more than food. When nothing else will help you feel normal again, what would you have me do?

Steve: Get help. Stop the cycle. Get moving and don’t stop.

Bob: It’s not that easy. You don’t know what it’s like. You just don’t know the grip it has. And unlike an alcoholic or drug abuser, it’s not like I can just stop. What you’re asking of me is to use less heroin. I can do it for a while, but then . . .

Steve: Yeah, but no matter how hard it is, when it catches up with you, it’ll be too late and then you’ll wish you’d forced yourself to have just a little. And you can tell yourself all you want that food makes you happy, and that it’s your life to live the way you want, and that this is every bit as fulfilling as pursuing an active passion, but it’s a lie. Food is the delicious poison is slowly killing you.

Bob: Yeah, so is everything. You, Mr. Perfect, could be diagnosed with stage-IV cancer tomorrow.

Steve: Any of us could die at any moment, blah, blah, blah. That's a red herring and  you know it. But you know that there are some things within your control right now, and you're forfeiting them. You're choosing to add risk and diminish the quality of your life. Are you okay with that?


Well, that didn’t turn out exactly like I thought it would, but the reality is that there is no way to win an argument built on a hot fudge sundae.

-Doug

An Uncomfortable Truth

I haven't posted in a while. I'm not out of things to write about, exactly, it's more that they're all starting to feel the same.

But a few months ago I was watching a Daily Show that had Laura Linney as the guest. She's on a new show on Showtime called The Big C and they showed a clip. In it, Linney, who's a teacher, watched plus-plus-sized actress Gabourey "Gabby" Sidibe (from Precious) being nasty to another student. Linney called her over and said this:

“You can’t be fat and mean, Andrea. If you’re gonna dish it out, you’ve got to be able to lick it up. Fat people are jolly for a reason. Fat repels people, but joy attracts them. Now, I know everyone’s laughing at your cruel jokes, but nobody’s inviting you to the prom. So you can either be fat and jolly, or a skinny bitch. It’s up to you.”

Gabby (Andrea) is stunned by this harsh admonishment from her teacher, but I was stunned by the truth of it. Wow. That just hit things on the head so exactly that I have kept it on my TiVo's hard drive all this time.

The reason fat repels people is a story for another post, but this was a laid-bare truth I just had to share.

-Doug