The Unbearable Heaviness of Being (Me)

What’s the difference between a formerly fat person and a fat one? One doughnut.

I’ve been saying for years that I’ll lose weight when I have a really good reason to. It’s the way I’ve lived my life, in a lot of ways--waiting till the last moment to do something and juuust making it under the wire. I eked by school assignments, chores, and even plays, learning my lines often in the nick of time.

My good reason to lose weight today is that I’m heavier than I’ve ever been and now (in addition to looking like hell) my back hurts, my feet hurt, and I feel like a slug. Just mowing the lawn feels like running a marathon. This is ridiculous.

But here’s the thing. Weight loss has a rate of recidivism somewhere in the 90s because being fat isn’t just about actions, it’s about desires that science is just now discovering are hardwired into you. Any fat person could have told them that. I often smile when skinny people on TV talk about how to lose weight by doing things to beat hunger. For overweight people, eating has very little to do with hunger, and food fills needs that have nothing to do with fuel.

Oprah Winfrey, when she was on one of her thin kicks, confessed (1) that she hadn’t been truly hungry for years. That’s not surprising. Food is a companion, it’s a security blanket, it’s a soother, it’s a reward, it’s a consolation prize, it’s a celebration, it’s a best friend. It is often the best thing about any day, and the only good thing in a hard day, and the only thing better than food is more food that fills you with love, warmth, and comfort.

So here’s my problem: is losing weight even worth it? If I’m almost certain to gain it all back and then some, why bother? Losing weight is a huge pain in the ass, and it occupies every thought of every waking moment. Instead of constantly thinking about eating, you have to constantly think about not eating.

And once you’ve gotten to something near your goal weight, after months of struggling and denying your true nature, you finally exhale . . . and gain it all back.

Reformed alcoholics call themselves alcoholics as a reminder that they can’t have just one drink. That one sip could pull them back into a spiral that could ruin their lives, and so they stay away and don’t drink and eventually it gets easier.

Fat people can’t not eat, but I think we should be called fat no matter our current weight for all the same reasons. Every moment feels like one minute to midnight and at any moment the bell could strike 12 o’clock and you’ll turn back into a pumpkin.

But at the end of the day, we all want to be thin and healthy. Don’t listen to those people who rally for fat acceptance, saying that fat can be sexy and beautiful. No it can’t, and it’s not healthy either. I understand wanting to be accepted, but let’s be realistic: there isn’t a fat person alive who wouldn’t prefer to be thin, or who wouldn’t take that magic pill in a heartbeat.

So I will keep trying. I will continue the struggle. I will lose weight, even for just a little while.

-Doug

(1) Fat people love to confess their sins when they’re in a thin phase, throwing their fat selves under the bus at every opportunity. I wonder if this self-loathing behavior is a way to ensure that getting fat again would maximize the humiliation and therefore be a deterant.