Total Pageviews

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Vive la Similitude!

A couple years ago, my father came to visit me in Virginia. Just about the only thing that man loves more than Starbucks coffee is good conversation. Rather than leave the latter up to chance, he likes to introduce topics for discussion, and this particular morning the topic was, “Why has your marriage worked?” Good question.
I’ve given this some thought since that morning and I think our relationship has worked for a few reasons.


Similar temperaments
Kathie and I have some good married friends back in Virginia who fight and snap at each other constantly. They’ll call each other stupid, mock each other, call out mistakes--but their marriage works. It works because they’re similar. The wife doesn’t really want to hurt the husband, and the husband knows better than to be hurt. The comments just roll off each other with absolutely zero lasting effect. It’s amazing to see.

Kathie and I would rather die than hurt the feelings of anyone, let alone each other. Our similarity means that we can communicate with each other in a similar way; neither of us is more likely to lash out than the other. So that works.


Similar goals
Kathie and I have both said, many times, that it’s a good thing we’re both pleasers. We both love to make the other happy, and will do nearly anything to make that happen. Good thing, since we’ve both have relationships in which only one person is a pleaser, and then it becomes giver and taker. Not a good arrangement at all, for either person. The giver ends up feeling resentful of giving and the thing that used to give them so much joy now feels like an obligation.


Similar flaws
This is a pretty important one, since you always dislike in others the flaws you don’t have. Kathie and I both struggle with our weight. She’s been doing really well in the last couple years, making small changes that will last, but she still struggles and will likely always struggle. In one respect that’s a good thing, because I will always struggle too, and that allows us to understand each other and what we’re going through. Had I married someone who didn’t know the irrational struggle of weight, I would feel judged and so alone.

We’re also both homebodies and would rather spend an evening at home with each other than pretty much anywhere.

And we’re not differently ambitious. Neither of us feels a need to be Vice President of a company. It’s important that we do our jobs well, but we work to live, not live to work.

We also have similar spending habits. I didn’t bring this into the relationship, but it’s important enough that I’m going to include it here. When Kathie and I first met, my credit was a mess. I spent what I wanted on whatever I wanted, and then paid bills with what was left. Not good, and very interesting when you’re working on commission. Every paycheck was different, so planning—not my strong suit to begin with—was tough.

But in recent years I’ve finally come to understand the importance of saving, spending only on the important stuff, and determining what the important stuff is. My brother thinks I’m cheap, but I think I finally have my priorities in line with my—our--goals.

Vive la différence!
For all our similarities, Kathie and I are also different in some pretty important ways. I don’t have the planning gene. I am sooo not a planner. I’m the guy who packs for a trip that morning. The guy who might call you a week before coming to visit. The guy who goes to the grocery store and buys whatever looks good.

Kathie, on the other hand, creates menus for the coming week, breaks down what ingredients are necessary to make those meals, and then puts the items on a list in the order in which they appear in the grocery store, starting in the produce section. That’s no exaggeration, and it’s completely in character.

But I’d like to think that my non-planner side—which we’ll call “spontaneity” so it sounds like a good thing—is good for her. I’d like to think that a little of that has rubbed off on her, and I think that’s good.

She’s a great cook, I’m clueless. She’s a graphic designer, I’m a writer. She’s a beauty, I’m a beast.

I think what makes this work is that we’re similar enough to fit, and different enough to contribute something new and interesting. It’s a good balance.


-Doug 

1 comment:

Dale said...

As the father in question, I remember that conversation vividly. This isn't the answer I remember, however. I really like the survey of similarities and differences. To the distant observer (me) they are accurate, which is pretty good at the level of generality where you are operating. But the downside of a survey of traits is that it doesn't pay much attention to actual behavior.

The question I remember had the form of "What do you do, to..." And the answer I remember was focused on decisions you had made, often that the two of you had made, and specific things you did to make this very sustaining marriage work. It might be that you felt that you didn't want to be that specific in a blog post. Or it might be that you wrote a post like that, looked at it and didn't like it. It sounded...oh...braggy.

I just wanted to comment that the natural complement to the post you did write is that you ad Kathie have thought carefully about how to make the marriage work and you are diligent about doing those things. You deal very quickly, for instance, with the frictions that occur in the relationship. It just sounded smart to me.

Post a Comment